Full Circle...

Today has been a good day!


Most of you who are my good friends and family know that this has been a tough year for me.  At the end of last Feb. I experienced the "opportunity" to make a job change, it was not my choice, it was not the choice of many of those that I served,  ultimately it was the choice of a few who had the power to act for all, whether or not the "all" wanted them to. 


 All of that is another story though... those are the strands of the story, the tatters of my own interpretation.  The facts are this: quite simply, one Sunday morning I went to work, I preached the sermon at the contemporary service, ran the youth groups, spent time with my boss and other congregation members and went on home. The next day I showed up for work again and was told that I was no longer in possession of a job. 


That was not a good day.  


That was the beginning of many "not good days".


  The first weeks were a blur... I kept feeling like I had to be somewhere, I needed to write a lesson, visit a youth, plan a retreat...  I cleaned.  I moped, I cried, I comforted everybody else who was left behind and wondering what had happened in their church community.  I was just so numb, so confused and finally one day, I just opened up and was exhaustively, immensely, fully, sad.  I was no longer the person I thought that I was, I was so broken, so sad, that it felt like I was barely there...that I would just float away.


I kept telling myself.. its just a job, its not like my loved ones are hurt, we are going to be alright, nobody died.. really this is not that bad..


 but you know what?  It kind of was.


  For me in those moments at that time, it really was bad.  I had always been a high achiever,  I defined myself at all times by my accomplishments and what those about me felt about the work that I did.  I pushed myself to be all things to all people so that nobody could find fault.. yeah I know, pretty lame and actually my sense of identity (or lack thereof) flew in the face of everything that I believed.. or rather believed that I believed... Did you get that?


I spent my days telling people that they were to find their wholeness in God but I crumpled in on myself at the first sign of disapproval.  I could put on a program that 200 people complimented up and down but one person might give one tiny criticism "you know this would have been better if you had ....." and I would fixate only on that.  So imagine how I reacted in the face of this ultimate rejection... well lets just say I did not jauntily put on my "Child of God" t-shirt and sashay out the door looking for that open window everybody kept going on and on about.


What I did do was cry so hard, and rail so loudly that I lost my voice, I had no more tears, no more strength and nothing else to clean; I was done.  In the place of all my noise, movement, and life all of a sudden it was quiet.  There was stillness.  Stillness in my home and stillness in my heart and finally, finally I heard the tiny squeak of grace.  


I got a cup of coffee and sat with my dog and just felt.  I was nervous at first, scared to sit without the numbing distraction of the TV, or crunching chips.. I was afraid to be left with my thoughts, worried that the bad stuff would sneak into my heart or my head and start telling me how worthless I was again but the oddest thing happened, I walked into my studio (my deliberately fancy name for a windowless closet space where I do all manner of things creative) and I looked around and felt a spark.  I felt a bit of inspiration and I created. I don't remember what it was, I think I threw it away but in that moment of creation I remembered that I too had been created.


I had not been created by my accomplishments, or how many times I said yes to someone, I had not been created by being witty or fun, or thin or thick or good or bad or anything I did... I had been created outside of all those things and I had been created for love, for relationship, for the glory of God.  At this moment the squeak of grace got louder, and I began to see glimpses of "next steps".  


By no means is that the end of the story.  I did not just ride of into the sunset holding the hand of grace and laughing all the way... but I did begin to listen a little, I started listening to what my husband had been "saying" for the past six months. He had been supportive, believed in me, known whose I was much more so than I did.  I started seeing myself through the eyes of my children, I was silly, sometimes grouchy, but always telling them they were loved.  As I opened myself up to grace more and more, I began to know myself again... my real self, the one that is not the best at everything, and straight up terrible at plenty of things, the one that is sick and tired of trying to uphold the image of togetherness, sick of worrying what others think all the time.  I saw a woman with so much compassion and potential whose innermost soul and being was crushed under the burden of her own inability to be friends with grace.


So I started looking around... what I realized was that I did miss working with youth, I was genuinely grieving the abrupt, renting away of the relationships I had built.  I also realized that I was not in any way missing working for the church, not just that church but really any church.  I missed teaching young people how to navigate their lives, walking with parents as they cried and laughed and lamented their way through parenthood but that was all that I missed... so I looked around for the next thing.. and found out that their was a Fellowship program that would certify non-teachers to teach science to high school kids at  under performing and at risk schools in GA.  


Young people? Check! Parents? Yep! Teaching? On it! Science?!! ummm...


  Not so much an open window as crashing into a closed glass door.. but maybe?


I decided to mix a little faith into this new found identity of mine.  I applied for the fellowship and was granted an interview and ultimately got it!  So now I have to take the big science certification test and then I will officially be a part of this awesome new program.  The test is coming up in three weeks... I really hope I pass it, I would be bummed to have to take it again but honestly for the first time in my life I am going to try not to be embarrassed or feel like a loser, if i fail.  Its just a test, its not the core of me.  


That may not seem like a huge statement; but for me, saying that is like standing in front of a room of people and announcing that hello I am Jenn and I am an approval-aholic...  


So today... today is the exact one year anniversary of the first Sunday after I was "let go".  


Let go is right... I was holding on so tightly to everything I thought I needed to be that I could barely breathe... so today, after raging, mourning, renewal, more raging, and a fair bit of reflection, I found myself kneeling at the front of the sanctuary in my new church and being ordained as an elder.  


I was sitting in the pew next to one of my rocks... a close friend who is a member at my former church.  She came to support me and to love on me and to affirm that she was not my friend because I was successful but because I was me.  On my other side was a fabulous woman that I have come to know and love in my new church.  One who I have great things in common with and also great things to learn from.  In the pew in front of me sat my mother in law who came home from tending her ailing father just to lay hands on me because she knew what this meant to me. Her husband was there... stepping out of his comfort zone to be a friend. Beside them sat my sweet husband and children and of all days my daughter's best friend came to church.  We have invited her family and love them and today they were there, what a joy is was to see my daughter so excited... So we took up two rows physically, and I knew I had the support of friends and family from Delaware to Louisiana... 


How powerful is that?


It has been quite the year.  I am still an approval-aholic who sometimes hides my friend grace under the mound of baggage that I insist on packing but I am aware of it now.  I am pruning the bags and being more gentle with my self.  I am moving forward and today feeling the weight of all those hands, of all those church leaders upon me, just felt good. 


 This time last year, I felt like I might just drift away, now I know that all those hands and hearts are keeping me grounded.


It was a good day, I know there will be tough ones again but I am recovering.  I am learning who I really want to be, and how I want to be defined. God's got this, God's got me... I am going to be just fine.


To quote a line from one of my favorite episodes of Friends:  " and that my friend is what they call closure".


- blessings
jlww