Full Circle...

Today has been a good day!


Most of you who are my good friends and family know that this has been a tough year for me.  At the end of last Feb. I experienced the "opportunity" to make a job change, it was not my choice, it was not the choice of many of those that I served,  ultimately it was the choice of a few who had the power to act for all, whether or not the "all" wanted them to. 


 All of that is another story though... those are the strands of the story, the tatters of my own interpretation.  The facts are this: quite simply, one Sunday morning I went to work, I preached the sermon at the contemporary service, ran the youth groups, spent time with my boss and other congregation members and went on home. The next day I showed up for work again and was told that I was no longer in possession of a job. 


That was not a good day.  


That was the beginning of many "not good days".


  The first weeks were a blur... I kept feeling like I had to be somewhere, I needed to write a lesson, visit a youth, plan a retreat...  I cleaned.  I moped, I cried, I comforted everybody else who was left behind and wondering what had happened in their church community.  I was just so numb, so confused and finally one day, I just opened up and was exhaustively, immensely, fully, sad.  I was no longer the person I thought that I was, I was so broken, so sad, that it felt like I was barely there...that I would just float away.


I kept telling myself.. its just a job, its not like my loved ones are hurt, we are going to be alright, nobody died.. really this is not that bad..


 but you know what?  It kind of was.


  For me in those moments at that time, it really was bad.  I had always been a high achiever,  I defined myself at all times by my accomplishments and what those about me felt about the work that I did.  I pushed myself to be all things to all people so that nobody could find fault.. yeah I know, pretty lame and actually my sense of identity (or lack thereof) flew in the face of everything that I believed.. or rather believed that I believed... Did you get that?


I spent my days telling people that they were to find their wholeness in God but I crumpled in on myself at the first sign of disapproval.  I could put on a program that 200 people complimented up and down but one person might give one tiny criticism "you know this would have been better if you had ....." and I would fixate only on that.  So imagine how I reacted in the face of this ultimate rejection... well lets just say I did not jauntily put on my "Child of God" t-shirt and sashay out the door looking for that open window everybody kept going on and on about.


What I did do was cry so hard, and rail so loudly that I lost my voice, I had no more tears, no more strength and nothing else to clean; I was done.  In the place of all my noise, movement, and life all of a sudden it was quiet.  There was stillness.  Stillness in my home and stillness in my heart and finally, finally I heard the tiny squeak of grace.  


I got a cup of coffee and sat with my dog and just felt.  I was nervous at first, scared to sit without the numbing distraction of the TV, or crunching chips.. I was afraid to be left with my thoughts, worried that the bad stuff would sneak into my heart or my head and start telling me how worthless I was again but the oddest thing happened, I walked into my studio (my deliberately fancy name for a windowless closet space where I do all manner of things creative) and I looked around and felt a spark.  I felt a bit of inspiration and I created. I don't remember what it was, I think I threw it away but in that moment of creation I remembered that I too had been created.


I had not been created by my accomplishments, or how many times I said yes to someone, I had not been created by being witty or fun, or thin or thick or good or bad or anything I did... I had been created outside of all those things and I had been created for love, for relationship, for the glory of God.  At this moment the squeak of grace got louder, and I began to see glimpses of "next steps".  


By no means is that the end of the story.  I did not just ride of into the sunset holding the hand of grace and laughing all the way... but I did begin to listen a little, I started listening to what my husband had been "saying" for the past six months. He had been supportive, believed in me, known whose I was much more so than I did.  I started seeing myself through the eyes of my children, I was silly, sometimes grouchy, but always telling them they were loved.  As I opened myself up to grace more and more, I began to know myself again... my real self, the one that is not the best at everything, and straight up terrible at plenty of things, the one that is sick and tired of trying to uphold the image of togetherness, sick of worrying what others think all the time.  I saw a woman with so much compassion and potential whose innermost soul and being was crushed under the burden of her own inability to be friends with grace.


So I started looking around... what I realized was that I did miss working with youth, I was genuinely grieving the abrupt, renting away of the relationships I had built.  I also realized that I was not in any way missing working for the church, not just that church but really any church.  I missed teaching young people how to navigate their lives, walking with parents as they cried and laughed and lamented their way through parenthood but that was all that I missed... so I looked around for the next thing.. and found out that their was a Fellowship program that would certify non-teachers to teach science to high school kids at  under performing and at risk schools in GA.  


Young people? Check! Parents? Yep! Teaching? On it! Science?!! ummm...


  Not so much an open window as crashing into a closed glass door.. but maybe?


I decided to mix a little faith into this new found identity of mine.  I applied for the fellowship and was granted an interview and ultimately got it!  So now I have to take the big science certification test and then I will officially be a part of this awesome new program.  The test is coming up in three weeks... I really hope I pass it, I would be bummed to have to take it again but honestly for the first time in my life I am going to try not to be embarrassed or feel like a loser, if i fail.  Its just a test, its not the core of me.  


That may not seem like a huge statement; but for me, saying that is like standing in front of a room of people and announcing that hello I am Jenn and I am an approval-aholic...  


So today... today is the exact one year anniversary of the first Sunday after I was "let go".  


Let go is right... I was holding on so tightly to everything I thought I needed to be that I could barely breathe... so today, after raging, mourning, renewal, more raging, and a fair bit of reflection, I found myself kneeling at the front of the sanctuary in my new church and being ordained as an elder.  


I was sitting in the pew next to one of my rocks... a close friend who is a member at my former church.  She came to support me and to love on me and to affirm that she was not my friend because I was successful but because I was me.  On my other side was a fabulous woman that I have come to know and love in my new church.  One who I have great things in common with and also great things to learn from.  In the pew in front of me sat my mother in law who came home from tending her ailing father just to lay hands on me because she knew what this meant to me. Her husband was there... stepping out of his comfort zone to be a friend. Beside them sat my sweet husband and children and of all days my daughter's best friend came to church.  We have invited her family and love them and today they were there, what a joy is was to see my daughter so excited... So we took up two rows physically, and I knew I had the support of friends and family from Delaware to Louisiana... 


How powerful is that?


It has been quite the year.  I am still an approval-aholic who sometimes hides my friend grace under the mound of baggage that I insist on packing but I am aware of it now.  I am pruning the bags and being more gentle with my self.  I am moving forward and today feeling the weight of all those hands, of all those church leaders upon me, just felt good. 


 This time last year, I felt like I might just drift away, now I know that all those hands and hearts are keeping me grounded.


It was a good day, I know there will be tough ones again but I am recovering.  I am learning who I really want to be, and how I want to be defined. God's got this, God's got me... I am going to be just fine.


To quote a line from one of my favorite episodes of Friends:  " and that my friend is what they call closure".


- blessings
jlww

LEGO and Let God!

Today we had a backyard party to celebrate my oldest child's ninth birthday.  We have become somewhat known among our friends and family for throwing fun parties... I get really into the party planning, mostly I am a girl who loves a good theme!  You name it we have done it, we released live butterflies for our daughter's butterfly themed party, had tea and sweets to celebrate the royal wedding (alongside a life sized creation of a real British red phone booth); and turned our living room into Hogwarts for a Harry Potter party.

My husband goes along with my insanity by smiling gamely and moving whatever furniture I require and my kids seem to enjoy the craziness and the truth is I just love to work a theme.  From food to decor, to music, to favors and photo opportunities, I just love the organization and inspiration that can be had by conforming to a theme.  I guess the appeal for me is how everything fits so well and flows so brilliantly when there is one overarching aspect tying it all together.  No conflicting agenda, no being confused about what to do or what not to do.  If it fits the theme then we do it, if not then too bad.

Today's theme was "Legos".  We played "Minute to Win it" type Lego games, we crafted with Legos, decorated with Legos and even ate molded chocolate Lego minifigs.  After yet another successful party I found myself thinking as I cleaned up that life sure would be easier if there was a theme to it.  I would know exactly what was important, know what fit and what did not... and then, right there in a yard strewn with Legos that had gone rogue, jackets that were left behind and a dog who was on a serious sugar high... right there I had an epiphany!

 My life does have a theme, I just forget that sometimes, actually if we are being honest I forget that most of the time.  The theme of my life is "Glorifying God".  I spend hours each week trying to puzzle out my life's purpose, trying to make life make sense and then in the still small silence after the whirlwind of a  noisy boy party I remember.

 I am a child of God and if I am going to own that identity then the theme is laid out right in front of me.    Really, its just that exquisitely simple; and in God's true fashion, just that exquisitely difficult (God seems to love a paradox the way I love my themes).  So if I see my Christian identity as a theme for my life, then how do I plan this party?

Food: Does my daily menu of leftovers off of my kiddos plates and crammed bites between deadlines glorify God? No? then I need to find a menu that does.

Time: Does saying yes to this person asking for a favor or another bit of money or my time glorify God? Yes? Then by all means I am in, No? then I am going to have to sit this one out because its not the theme of today's party.

Relationships: Does saving my best energetic self for those outside my home and being drained around my own family glorify God? No? Well then I better find out what needs to change and act on it.

The music I listen to, the shows that I watch, the books that I read... do they glorify God?

That does not mean I can only listen to "Christian music" or read books that can be bought at Lifeway, rather it means that I give as much thought to what I consume both emotionally and physically as well as rationally in my daily life as I do during a two hour children's party.

To understand that the theme of my life is to Glorify God is to give myself permission to actually cut out those things in my life that do not add to that theme.

Can you imagine what a party planned with the theme of Glorifying God would look like?  I imagine that there would be honesty, even when the stakes are high, and truth spoken but spoken in love.  I believe people would be taking care of others but also taking pleasure in treating themselves with love and respect.  I suspect that there would be genuine pleasure taken in hearing of the acheivements of others at the party because there would be the underlying feeling of bounty.  There would be a feeling that there was enough of everything for everyone, there would be enough love, praise, food, shelter, purpose, for every person in the room to feel full.

Image a party with a theme like that... It sounds a little like being in the full on, full time, presence of God.  A party like that sounds, well it sounds just like Heaven!

Cause the good ole days weren't always good and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems..

Oh yeah.. let me go ahead and date myself.  This post is titled after lyrics in the Billy Joel song "Keeping the Faith."  Billy Joel's "Innocent Man" was one of the first cassette tapes I bought after getting my new jam box for Christmas one year... ahh but I digress.


I have been noticing that every now and then I start to idealize my childhood... yeah I know it's not just me but while I do think remembering things fondly is good, there is also room to notice that today is not always worse than the days that came before.  If I continue to overly reminisce there is always the danger that I will begin to look and talk like this guy....

'Nuff said!

So today I realized in talking with some parents of teens that there has been alot of lamenting about the current state of teen fiction. I often hear from parents of teens and sometimes from teens themselves that there really is nothing great to read out there for the junior high to high school age. That "these days" young adult fiction is a one trick pony, a veritable supernatural wasteland. 


Now being the book freak that I am, I do realize that you walk into a bookstore today and in the young adult section you will notice that about 80% of the books are either about ghosts, wizards, Greek gods, fairies, witches, or vampires. So I found myself beginning to reminisce about the literary choices I had as a teen, how I enjoyed the Anne of Green Gables series, Narnia, anything by E.L. Konigsburg (the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankwieler), Beverly Cleary, the Nancy Drew books etc.  Now these were some great books, they were about relationships, right and wrong, history, faith, innocent mysteries and friendships.  


Yep I can feel my eyebrows getting bushier by the minute.


So here is the thing: The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was thinking about the books I read prior to seventh grade or so.  The aforementioned books and series were over for me by the time I hit Jr. high.  I got to really thinking and when I was in junior high and high school the popular series that we were all reading were things like:


The Fear Street books by R.L. Stine (yep, the Goosebumps guy)
Books by Christopher Pike (the first one, Chain Letter, scared my socks off)
Stephen King (I can remember reading  "Misery" and deciding that maybe trying to be an author was too scary)
V.C Andrews (jeez that Flowers in the Attic series sure was wholesome, what with the infanticide and incest and all)


Looking back, it is really a wonder that I was even able to sleep during that period of my life.  Yeah, most of our jr. high and high school stuff did not have ghosts or vamps but it had serial killers and psychos.  There was less emphasis on the love triangle aspect of teen life (well, we did have Sweet Valley High but that is another story) and more emphasis on the violence and the need to survive.  Heck, one of my favorite trilogies was about a family whose mom abandoned them in a parking lot and they had to live in their car.  


Seriously I am a happy well adjusted non murderous adult even after reading all that stuff so maybe there is just something in our teenage angst that draws us to violence, fear, and the supernatural?  It is a bit disturbing but I do know that by the time I was a junior in high school I was discovering Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Zora Neale Hurston.


I can still remember how moved I was the first time I read "Their Eyes Were Watching God."  I began to tire of reading things that did not change or stir me in some way.  I began to want a book to make me feel something other than excited or in suspense.  


In a way I guess that is what growing up is.  We begin to look past the passion and visceral emotion and we pursue something stronger, something more life changing.  


I have two books beside my bed right now, one on top of the other, the titles?  


Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption by Laura Hillenbrand 

and

The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide

Guess we never really lose who we are as teens huh?  We just mix that into who we become as adults. I love that I get to have my redemptive literature, my  higher plane, and still tap into the passion and suspense of life. 

I don't think we ever need to lament the choices our children have in literature (no matter how stale they may seem at first glance) we need to have faith that they will keep reading, keep moving forward and keep adding to their literary oeuvre.  After all, books are only as strong and alive as we become when reading them.

Anatomy of an Ad.. do our teens care how "cool" is packaged? Should We?

I consider myself sort of a pop culture "anthropologist".  I usually keep up with the popular TV shows and celebrity news.. obviously when working with youth and young adults (now that I am no longer able to squeeze myself into that category in any sense) seeing what is popular or trending helps me to see where many of them are coming from, what kinds of things are on their minds...

We know this, its nothing new, pop culture is a view to what we value as a society for the most part.  

Lately, I have notice a disturbing trend in advertising, it seems that the newest thing to do to get people's attention is to do some crazy mock-up glorifying violence against women.  I get that my reaction is probably just what they are looking for.. that in Hollywood maybe all publicity is good publicity but really?  At what point do we decide to make it detrimental to someones image to portray something as painful as domestic violence in a playful way?

Here is one such ad, I had to google what the company even sold, because I could not tell if the ad was for lingerie, a car, ties, or menswear... turns out it is basically a hoity toity suit company... Because don't we all want to wear the suit of a creeper?

I saw that same scene in Alfred Hitchcock's movie "Frenzy", not something I want my daughter to flip open a magazine and see... How exactly does this picture sell that suit and lets face it, what the heck is up with that suit in the first place?


I was pretty shocked when I saw that ad but then just a few days later I saw this one...

Really, really, so the mod wife has a black eye and again creepy husband in the background.. so who is supposed to look good?  The abuser or the victim? both? look good in all you do?  wow! and can you guess what this ad was for? Hint: not bandages or eye-makeup.. it was an ad for a hair salon.  So yes you may very well be a victim of domestic violence but as long as you live in cool retro surroundings and you have good hair, its not an issue as much as it displays your ironic retro style.  Ouch!

Both of these ads disappointed me but again, as frustrating and annoying as it is, I felt that both ads were targeting adults and not so much trying to market to teens (one ad was in Vogue, one in Vanity Fair: both kids were getting haircuts, so it was between these or Sports Illustrated). This is not to say I am fine with these pictures even in an adult context but that is a whole other discussion. 

Then I checked my yahoo accounts the other day and scrolling on the daily news was a ruckus over pictures taken of one of the stars of Glee.  Yep, another crazy picture only this time it featured a girl on a hit show specifically marketed at teens.  These pictures were not even ads,  just part of a photo shoot by a photographer who is known for pushing boundaries .

Lets see, cheap house set with old carpet, retro dress, "woman's work" props, bondage suggestion, and black eye.. yep all the pieces are here.  The worst part of the whole thing is that the photographer was quoted as saying of the pictures,

 ""In no way were we promoting domestic violence, we wanted to do a bruised-up Barbie shoot and that's exactly what we did!" 

WHAT? Is he really that naive?  At this point I hope he is just lying because if he really sees nothing provocative or offensive in these... Don't even get me started on the strangeness of a bruised up Barbie idea, but in what world do these pictures not suggest that perhaps Barbie did not just "trip on the stairs"?

So my question is: what do we do with this?  Do we just think of it as art and understand that it may not be to our taste?  Do we really think this is tasteful to anyone?  What value is this offering to the world and what does it say about us as a society that it has become not only acceptable but "artistic" to portray hate crimes in our media?  Do we just avoid making a big deal out of it and deny the "artist" or company the publicity they crave?

I don't know the answer to this, I do know that as someone who claims to be a Christian, and as a female, a wife, and a mamma; I feel like this is fundamentally wrong. This is not what God created us to create. 

 I don't know what that means for me but it makes me think of what I heard in the sermon preached at our little church this morning.  The scripture was the David & Goliath story paired with the story of Peter walking on the water to Jesus story in Matthew.  The gist of the sermon was that even if it may seem overwhelming to make small seemingly insignificant gestures in the face of so much pain and wrong and evil in the world; we still need to make them.  That being God's sanctified and justified people means that we MUST make them.  Why do we fight Goliath when we know it is crazy?  We have faith that it is the right thing to do.  Faith makes us foolish and grace allows us to actually sometimes have the courage to act on our faith.

We hide behind the safe wall of irony and cynicism in the same way that Saul wanted to clothe David in armor before he battled the giant.  I hope to step out in faith, I pray to begin to shed the armor and connect with the world knowing that God may take my smallest gesture and create miracles.

To Blog or Not To Blog...

So I have been wanting to start a blog for awhile now, but I keep coming back to the question "who am I to share my thoughts?", "who will care?". 
I have finally come to an answer (drum roll please)

and the answer is: probably nobody!


So why decide to blog anyway?  Well I guess because I realized I don't really want to be defined by what others care about, I don't want to do or not do something simply because it is valued by someone else, I have finally decided that just by virtue of being God's own child, I have authority.  I have the authority to take up my little desk corner of cyberspace and throw my musings out there, and if they only bounce right back to me then I will consider it time well spent; but if by some odd chance they find someone else out there, who also wishes to connect, consider, laugh, ponder, rage, and wonder at God and at the World then woohoo, wherever two or more are gathered.... 


I suppose God can create community even in pixels... God is great!


This should be fun!